Creative Revenge: The Ex Edition

I’ve been through some pretty bad breakups, and my mother is usually the first person I run crying to. She is also the first to say “should I go shit on their doorstep”. My initial reaction is always “Mom there is a service for that.. Let’s not go to jail for indecent exposure”. She has blessed me with some creative ways to get revenge on ex’s that don’t involve the risk of going to jail. I find these ways to be highly inappropriate and comical. I usually get revenge in a healthier long lasting way.

Creative Revenge #1: Send a care package of postcards to their work.

My mother found some “sorry you have herpes postcards” and sent it to my ex’s work. It came with five different cards for erectile dysfunction, herpes, chlamydia, and I don’t even know what else. Which was better than the almost bag of shit she was about to order for his doorstep.

This next story gets me every time…

Once upon a time my mother was dating a man, who had a girlfriend in another state. He was lying and cheating on both of them. When my mother found out this is what she did….

Creative Revenge #2: Cut the buttons off of his work shirts

My mother went in this man’s closet, because she still had the key to his house and cut the last three buttons off of every work shirt this man owned. So, that when he got back home, and was buttoning up his shirt to go to work in the morning, he’d get to the bottom and be unable to finish buttoning it up. Therefore resulting in continuously reaching for another shirt and doomed with the same result.

Creative Revenge # 3: Take what is yours…

After proceeding to psychoticly take the buttons off of the work shirts, she took all the sheets and blankets in the house. Why? because she bought them duhh. When he came back he called her crying… “I’m so cold.. I am sleeping with towels. Please bring back the bedding”.

Creative Revenge #4: Steal the dog( I definitely do not condone this one)

Upon leaving his house she stole his dog and told him it ran away, when she was removing stuff from his house. He was devestated, he had recently just got the puppy. My mother later returned the dog, because it had peed all over her house. I am also pretty sure she took all of the toilet paper in the house as well. I think her goal was to just create total panic.

Creative Revenge #5: Send a bag of shit

My mother loves poop jokes and if she could send a bag of shit to all her enemies, I think she would feel as though her life were complete. I, however, do not want a bag of shit on my doorstep and I fully believe karma is a bitch.

All jokes aside here’s what you should really do in a break up.

After my last ex broke up with me I took a hard look at myself and honestly was just sad.

I hit the gym and jumped on the scale and was shocked that I had gained 10 pounds since we started dating. For the record the reason my ex broke up with me wasn’t because I gained weight. He left me because he felt like he was settling. He told me I had no passions or hobbies of my own. I was honestly just trying to finish my last semester of college. I didn’t feel as though I had the time or luxury of these things.

Here is what I do.

#1 Hit the Gym

I always hit the gym after a break up. It truly helps me channel all the pain and anger I feel and makes me feel better about myself. Looking good is one of the best revenges. I mean #revengebody come on.

#2 Treat Yourself To Some Self Care

I typically go get my teeth whitened, my nails done, go stress shopping for a few new outfits, take a vacation to Vegas, blow off lots of steam and come back feeling extremely good and impressed with myself. Until they decide to stalk your profile, act like they want you back, because you are just fine without them and then later leave you again.

If they leave let them leave, and if they see you living your life and want you back… run as fast as you can.

#3 Move On

Like truly move on. I know this is hard. One thing I have learned in my years of dating is that ex’s always come back. Some more than others. I have men that hit me up out of the blue apologizing for something they did six years ago. So move on. They will come back, when they creep and see you at your very best. Then, and only then you can truly say “if you didn’t want me at my worst, then you can’t have me at my best”. That right there is true revenge.

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